July 1984

MICK JAGGER

CONTENTS

EURYTHMICS

THE MUG STOPS HERE!

This is getting ridiculous! Since word's gotten around that Mug Shots is the absolute, pos-i-toot coolest place to have your face appear in, so-called celebs are going to outrageous extremes! You heard about the Michael Jackson scalp flambeau accident, we suppose?

OZZY OSBOURNE

DURAN DURAN VS. LIFE ITSELF!

You can bet your bottom dollar that no free-willed, sane human would ever give up their right to live so that a band could make lots of money! So how do you explain Duran Duran's success? Surely everyone remembers the night those beings from Alpha Centauri landed and warned the entire world that, just for kicks, they were going to exterminate all humans if Duran Duran ever made any money!

BOY GEORGE & JOAN RIVERS

GRAMMY AWARDS GO GONK!

Well, another year's Grammy Awards have come and gone, and what've we got to show for it? Not much. Oh, all right, Cyndi Lauper was very funny and Mickey Rooney was very...weird. Very weird. And that about covers it. Oh, Michael Jackson, you say?

It Takes Two To BIFURCATE!

There are many reasons for the sudden flowering of romance and flagrant pigeon-mouthing amongst our young people. After all, in this hot 'n' heavy, wet 'n' wild, dog-eat-meat, heavy 'n' wet, hot as meat, nowa-go-go world of todaysville, we all need someone!

BARBARIAN RUNS RAMPANT IN USA!

Do you have the feeling Billy Idol's getting somewhat out of control? That he's taking a long walk off Fecal-Matter Pier with one oar? Really! First, he advocates sex with microphones in New York. Then it's off to Chicago, and we do mean off! As in no clothes, naked, nude, bare, gone native, stripped to the buff, in puris naturalibus, etc.!

BILLY IDOL

VAN HALEN FOR THE HECK OF IT!

Hi, I'm Louie! I'm one of the janitors here at the ROCK-SHOTS empire, and I sweep up the floors at night and stuff?

JUMP!

ROMANTICS: What I Like About WHO?

Yoo hoo! Hey you, buddy, underneath that pile of hair! What happened to your pink suit? How come you guys are on the radio again? What happened to that Rich Cole guy? Who's this other guy from Florida? When did you get him? Hey, who plays bass in your band, anyway?

MOTLEY CRUE BADDEST OF THE BAD!

These dudes in Motley Crue are Baaaaaaaad City! How bad? So bad, they clean their teeth with chainsaws! They wear Marine uniforms when they wanna slip into something comfortable! When they sit around the house, the rats hide! Even their studs have studs! And Christie Brinkley will never call 'em up and remind 'em to bring home the salami! Is that bad? THAT'S BAD!

LP COVER AWARDS WHAT'S ROUND & BLACK WITH A HOLE?

That's right! They're round and they're black and they have a hole in the middle. Pretty unimpressive, eh? But what the hell—without 'em, most of us here at "America's Only Rock Rag" would be out of a job. Controversial? You bet! Van Halen's 1984 recently was banned in several foreign countries for its "obscene" (?!?) cover.

THE BIRD! Or: Math With Rock Stars!

We know we were shaken to discover that some of the nuts in this world who play rock 'n' roll have actually gone to school 'n' stuff, and we thought you might be surprised, too! So, let's ask a few of them rockers to show us what they know! OK, gang—how much is five and three?

THE PRETENDERS POSTER

VAN HALEN

THE PRETENDERS

DAVID JOHANSEN: BUSTER POINDEXTER OR BUST!

David Johansen, lead singer with the late-but-great New York Dolls and one of the Big Apple's fave rock sons, has transformed himself into Buster Poindexter, lounge singer extraordinare. David Jo originally got the idea by performing with Holiday Inn lounge pianists while on tour, and then figured maybe there was a career in it.

Backstage

While you sit at home, alone, your copy of ROCK-SHOTS in trembling hand, there are ultra-billions of famous people out cavorting around on the money you provide for them! Doesn't this make you think a bit? I mean, what the heck—why aren't you out there cavorting?

OVER EXPOSED

JOAN JETT

ADAM ANT

CYNDI LAUPER

INVASION OF THE FEMME FATALES!

A small town. A midsummer's day. Children squeal. Squirrels bark. Freshly laundered sheets flip flop in the morning breeze. Wok With Yan on the tube. Everything seemed so quiet, so peaceful. UNTIL "THEY" CAME! Only a handful at first Dangerous lipstick.

GRACE SLICK

JOHN COUGAR MELLENCAMP: "COULDA BEEN A CONTENDER!"

So first John has a slew of platinum records. And then his picture is all over the place. And then he changes his name back to Mellencamp, and has another slew of platinum records. Some guys would be satisfied-but not our boy! Nah, John wants to be a big league boxer now, and, as you can see, he's finally made it into the big ring.

TRACEY ULLMAN

NEW STARS FOR OLD!

Who'll trade me a Los Lobos for a beat-up old Ted Nugent? Hey, man, I'll give you a Billy Squier and a Foreigner for that China Crisis you got in your back pocket! Oh no—the Thompson Twins? I got them in the last pack! Gimme the gum, though. You realize I can't even sell the 1974 series for a buck?

CLARE GROGAN OF ALTERED IMAGES

Clare has a bit of an age-complex. It may have to do with the fact that she was introduced to romance so early in life—a mere child, as a matter of fact—by Gilbert O'Sullivan. "She just wouldn't go to sleep," he claimed Then came fame and fortune after skipping down a lane singing "Happy Birthday" for MTV.

HUEY LEWIS & THE NEWS

DAVID LEE ROTH

DLR wants you to honk his horn!

QUIET RIOT

OK, OK. We know Prince has become quite a sensation—but isn't this “Little Red Corvette" business getting to be a little much? On the other hand, these HM ravers have been known to “borrow" things, haven't they? “Cum On Feel The Noize" from Slade—but not only that, looks like they got two of their jackets from the Romantics, one pair of pants from Jim Morrison, another pair from Debbie Harry, and a pair of white buck shoes courtesy of Pat Boone!

BOY HOWDY-CREEM'S PROLIFIC BEER

When it's time to relax, CREEM's got the beer. Weekends were made for it, it's got gusto, the winners drink it and rock stars do, too. This Boy's for them. So tonight, let it be Boy Howdy.

THE POLICE

MICHAEL JACKSON & BROOKE SHIELDS

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